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This post is about to get real, guys. It may be a long and winding road, and it definitely won’t be the most beautifully composed thing I’ve ever written…so hang with me.
Going into 2020 has got me pretty emotional. Intense joy, expectation, reflection, thankfulness, and it seems, another layer of healing in the 11th hour before we slip into a new decade. Before we slip into, what I feel, is a new era as well, but that’s for a different post.
The last decade has brought some of the greatest joys and some of the greatest heartbreak to my life. Proving again to me that joy and pain can, indeed be, and often are, two walls of the same house.
I’ll give a shoutout to one of the main highs and THE main low:
One of the highs: I married Daniel nearly 8 years ago and that was one of the best decisions I could have made. We are so different. And even though we do worship together, our calls are so different. but the absolute love and support in our marriage has taught me more about the love of Yeshua. (Not to mention his extreme patience with my quirkiness, wanderlust, and absolute need for gritty adventure when he’d rather have a spa day 😂)
And the low: I’ve not talked about this publicly before now for many reasons, but 3.5 years ago I said goodbye to a community I had loved and served for nearly 10 years. It was not a happy goodbye. It was just about as traumatic and destructive as they come, and it ripped my heart into pieces. I’ve been picking up those pieces ever since. I spent 7 months after I stepped down from my position like a hermit on our 2 acre mini-farm. Me and the Lord and my very few people. And I was happy. I never intended to go back into ministry. And I certainly never intended to go back into ministry unhealed. I have always pursued healing and wholeness in my life and this circumstance was no different. The Lord has been faithful in healing me, I can feel His joyful determination, love, and pleasure over my life, and that is a gift that brings tears to my eyes on a regular basis.
Like I said, I never intended to go back into ministry. I was done. I still loved the church, but I just didn’t see myself going back into vocational ministry. I planned to build my studio, write music, do art, worship for an audience of one, love my people, build furniture, write, and keep my hands in the dirt with my dog and newly acquired cat by my side.
But God had other plans. Out of the blue one day while I was at a metal smithing class (another thing I planned to do with my life that didn’t include going back into ministry) I received a text from Pastor Sandi at Seattle Revival Center, who I had no personal connection with, asking me if I would come and lead worship for a meeting. I wanted to immediately respond that I don’t do that anymore. Had it been anyone else, I likely would have. But, long story for a different day, I had a long time dream in my heart of leading worship in this place that had made such an impact on me during the renewal in the 90’s. I sat there stunned looking at this text. And even though I had worked through SO MUCH healing, I thought to myself, “Why couldn’t this have come when I was really at my prime?! I’m a broken down forerunner now, and I’m not ready for this. Nor am I even sure I want to be back on a platform ever again.” Long story short, we booked a date for me to come lead. That was the beginning of a new chapter. From that time on, the Lord opened doors for me to go back into itinerary ministry. I had been regionally itinerate in the PNW before I went on staff at the church, but stopped all travel once I got hired in order to build the incredible vision and destiny of God for that place.
Going into this New Year and new decade feels so significant to me personally. The past few months and the past few weeks especially, I have seen major shifts in my heart.
I am a pretty courageous person. In most areas of my life, I lead with courage. Courage is not a problem for me. I’ve been pioneering for the majority of my life. I’ve never been afraid to go where others won’t. I am fierce and fearless and courageous in the face of most everything (ask my husband...it worries him sometimes. Especially when I wake up one morning and say, “I’m supposed to go to Pakistan...and some other places you might not feel totally comfortable with.” 😂) But the last few years after the mess and the heartbreak, there is this little area in my life called vulnerability and connection where courage sometimes throws up its hands and says, “Whoa, slow this gravy train down!”. Don’t get me wrong. I have my people. And vulnerability and connection with my trusted circle is such a gift to me. In general, I’m a pretty private person, so my people are my people and I don’t typically go outside the circle of sacred trust. Which isn’t altogether bad, and probably won’t altogether change much. But it needs to change some more. It needs to grow. The past few years I have been faced with my weakness in this area and have actively been pursuing healing and growth, and it’s been so good and so fruitful. But the Lord is calling me even further into courage in this area, and for the first time, I feel excited about it. I feel the reality of His heart ready to meet courage in the coming days and explode it into something more than I could dream.
As I was reflecting and writing some things going into 2020, I began to write some personal goals down. And I was shocked at the ease of which they came, were written, and the way my heart fully and readily engaged with them. There was an excitement, where two years ago there would have been fear and hiding. One of these things was intentional connection. There are people in my life that God has put there, I love them, they love me, but I have not put forth the effort to intentionally connect on a regular basis. There are many reasons for this and it isn’t all a lack of courage. A big part of it is what I like to call “creative tunnel vision”. It’s so easy for creatives to live in their own world and never come up for air. I am so bad about this. I am a hard worker and I will hunker down for MONTHS before I realize I haven’t truly connected with anyone outside my immediate circle. I see people, sure, but I haven’t been intentional about stopping my work, coming out of my creative world, and making a point to reach out and connect. That’s going to change.
Seasons are funny things. And what was good for one season, what God used to heal us in one season probably isn’t what things will look like in the next. We need to be able to lay down what has worked, what has been good, and what has even been our lifeline in one season, in order to pick up what He has for the next. Some things may not change or all of it may change. One thing is constant, His ever present love, kindness, and faithfulness over our lives in every change, in every season of growth, in every place of weakness.
Silence and solitude is a practice for me. It’s part of who I am and part of my call. But it isn’t everything. And going into this next season, I have heard the Lord say, “It’s time to trade some of that silence and solitude for real and true connection with others. It’s a new season. I’ll still use silence and solitude in your life. But that which you’ve treasured and hidden away in your heart is about to be released to further my kingdom. Like a fine wine poured, it will not be wasted and more will be made.”
And I feel like this is for more than just me. We are about to come into places of surprising courage in our lives. There’s an an era of big courage coming upon us. Courage that springs out of the anchor of love and hope in places He’s been healing us, courage where we’ve cultivated a life of union with Him far from crowds, courage in the ordinary everyday facets of our lives and courage in the extraordinary things coming our way, courage to believe again where we lost hope, courage to trust again in places we are afraid to take a chance, courage to truly change in areas we have been stuck, courage to take nations and bring reconciliation to all of creation, courage for the weak and courage for the strong, courage for the beautiful and brave, courage for the broken and lost. Courage, my friends. Courage. We are coming into an era of uncommon courage.
Having said all of this, (and if you got this far, I feel like you deserve an award.) I want to also say that I am fiercely grateful for the people who stuck by me through this last season, who loved me, who were patient with my process of grief and healing, and who championed the call of God in my life. You are few, you know who you are, and you have been, and continue to be, a rare and true gift to me. I do not have adequate words to offer to you. I have felt the warm grace of God in your love and friendship. And to Seattle Revival Center, God has used you to heal me deeper, to model what genuine kingdom community looks like, and my depth of love and gratitude for you cannot be expressed in words.
Life is such a wonder, so beautiful, sometimes so heartbreaking, but always there is the breath of God ever present; breathing life into our lungs when we don’t have the strength to do it ourselves. There is a Shining Hope that lives. I am so thankful. And to say that I am looking forward to this turn of a decade is an understatement. I can tangibly feel the shift for me personally and a shift in era for the church and the world. It’s going to be a wild and beautiful ride and I am here for it!
Here’s to 2020! Here’s to a new decade! Here’s to a new era! And here’s to uncommon courage! Cheers, friends!
*If you made it to the end of this downright rambler, please except my most heartfelt congratulations…what a feat!